"JUST" A Mom

I don't title this post lightly. This issue has been bouncing around in my head for a while and I've shared it with a couple of friends who have affirmed that I'm on the right track. (Of course, I realize we often pick friends who are like-minded.)

A little background: My children are now 24 (daughter, married for 2 years) and 21 (son). When I became a mom, I knew I was 'meant to' be one! I have loved every minute of being mom to Jen and Jeff. No they weren't perfect kids -- but pretty close. We didn't have a lot of problems that many of their peers experienced. We were (and remain) very fortunate.

To claim no credit at all for how well our children turned out would just be insincere and disengenuous. I tried very hard to be a wonderful mother--not just a good mom--a wonderful mother! I know I fell far short of that ideal many, many times. But somehow, my children knew that was my goal and ardent desire, and they forgave me for not always rising to the ocassion, and savored the common knowledge that they were that important to me - and that 'getting it right' meant so much to me. They got that they mattered.

Getting to the point here. My daughter is a beautiful, bright, incredible young woman with multiple gifts and graces. My son is a handsome, strong, incredible young man with multiple gifts and graces. My son also has Asperger's Syndrome (very high end of the autism spectrum). We didn't always know what the diagnosis was, but we knew very early on what his challenges would probably be. We also, though, recognized early on what challenges our daughter would probably have (based on her personality and dispositon).

We never identified our son as being "special needs" because of his diagnosis. Not because we were in denial but because we don't make that kind of distinction in life. All children have 'special needs' regardless of where they fall on any spectrum, chart or yardstick for measuring their development. Some have more challenges, larger obstacles, fewer resources. All have needs that are unique and specific to them.

We've never identified Jeff as our "special needs" son. Nor have we ever identified him by the sports he participated in, the instruments he played or the fact that he read (and undersood) college-level reading material when he was in 5th grade or by his gentle spirit and deep faith.

But then we never identified Jennifer as our "exceptionally bright" daughter, either. Nor have we identified her by the sports she participated in, the excellent GPA she maintained throughout school, or by her beauty--inside and out.

That's because ALL children are special! I don't want to be pigeon-holed as a parent of a XXXX child. I want to be a mom--just a mom. My children are amazing human beings and I am proud to call them both my friends. I am humbled that God gave them to me and entrusted their care and nurturing to my husband and me. We have been in awe of them since the moment they were conceived. We continue to be in awe of the incredible human beings they have become and continue to grow into.

In the world too many things drive us apart and the mentality of "divide and conquer" and one-upsmanship seems to run rampant. I choose to be just a mom who can understand and empathize with other moms who want what is best for their children. I have tried never to judge other women for their parenting (or lack thereof) because I know there were times I dove into uncharted waters and stayed afloat only because of God's grace.

That's the message that I hope resonates for others when they hear me speak or read what I write: God's grace is the common thread for all of us. It's okay that we weren't (aren't) strong enough, smart enough, rich enough, young or old enough on our own to be the kind of mom (or person) we want to be. God's grace is enough--it makes us enough. It makes our 'best shot' at everything we do enough.

My husband and I have never doubted divine intervention and guidance in our parenting or in our lives. We fully accept, acknowledge and are ever grateful for it and invite it into our lives on an on-going basis.

So next time you think you're "just" a mom, smile! Next time somebody identifies you as "just" a mom, say 'Thank you!" It's a great thing to be!

"By faith Moses' parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king's edict" (Hebrews 11:23 NIV).

"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads" (Deuteronomy 6:6-8 NIV).

"he said to them, "Take to heart all the words I have solemnly declared to you this day, so that you may command your children to obey carefully all the words of this law" (Deuteronomy 32:46 NIV).

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth"(3 John 1:4 NIV).

Tough Love Sprinkled With Grace

The last time I babysat for the my little buddies was different than previous visits in that the boys, being in the year between 2-3 are learning and growing and blossoming by leaps and bounds! Big sister is also developing that incredible little brain of hers - she's just not as "out there" as the boys. She's quieter and you can almost see the gears turning in her head behind those beautiful blue eyes:-)

Sister didn't want to go to bed. I told her if she settled down and helped the boys settle down during a short video, she could stay up a few minutes later than the "babies." For 30 minutes I had to remind and redirect her as she continually engaged the boys in "dancing" and running around during the video.

I made the mistake of yielding to her request, even though she ignored my previous repeated instructions to settle down, sit down, and not get brothers riled up so they would go to bed easily. (They did anyway, thankfully.)

Sister and I worked a puzzle (twice) and she clearly grasped the "hints" I had given her on the first go-round about edge pieces and matching up pieces with the same colors in the them. But then it was bed time. She didn't want to go to bed (by this time she was overly tired). She didn't want me to leave her without reading several books (we had already agreed that if I let her stay up, she would go straight to bed without the usual routine because it was so late).

She was having none of it! She was not a happy camper. I am, however, a "seasoned" parent and pretty much a no-nonsense person when it comes to establishing who is in charge (kids vs. adults). Eventually, she wore herself out and fell asleep.

Where am I going with this? Well, big sister reminds me a great deal of myself when God doesn't "comply with my wishes." I can become pretty hard-headed and complain, then start to get upset, then yell and rail at God until I ultimately just relent and let Him "win."

I held up my end of the deal, big sister did not. We both knew the rules going in, but big sister didn't like the rules, once it was time to abide by them. Even though I felt sorry for sister, after she had worked herself up into a pretty big fit, I continued to remind her of our agreement.

I went up to her room several times to assure her I was still hearing her (hard not to!:-) and she carried on with a great deal of histrionics, that I knew were only making her more upset. But I had to abide by my end of the deal--I had to stick by my guns or the next time she would push the limits even more and act up/act out to a far greater degree. I felt sorry for her, but I love her too much to have yielded.

I'm sure God feels as I did that evening: sad that I am unhappy, even knowing He is being just. God always keeps "His end of the agreement." I'm the one who protests, fails to cooperate, and ultimately work myself into a fit when He doesn't yield!

I'm so glad He is a just and unyielding God! The world needs that kind of unwavering justice and love. I need that kind of fairness and certainty that I will receive His love even when I haven't earned it and especially when I don't deserve it.

I'm glad God loves me enough to always exercise "tough love" sprinkled with mercy and grace.

"Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD" (Psalm 34:11 NIV).

"what we have heard and known, what our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power, and the wonders he has done. He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our forefathers to teach their children," (Psalm 78:3-5 NIV)

Transitions and Growing Up With Asperger Syndrome

Our son has graduated from the Woodrow Wilson Rehabilitation Center's Work Readiness Program with a Certificate in Materials Management (just like a certificate from the community college) . He far exceeded the expectations of the program and we are thrilled for him! We are doubly blessed because before he even graduated we received a call from his local case worker that he was eligible to participate in a 1-year grant program through a collaboration of VCU and Dept. of Rehab. Services!

He has been assigned a job coach who has already met with all of us and then with him once individually. We emailed her the resume we had developed and she combined that information with his experience and training over the past 9 months through his program at Woodrow Wilson.

On Monday they will meet again and she will assist him in completing on-line applications for jobs she has already identified. She will also conduct mock interviews with him and even attend interviews if he desires.

Since he's back home, I'm needing to get busy finally and help him find ways to transition from high school, to young adulthood. He is struggling, but knows it it important. I'm going to suggest he reactivate the blog he started in high school and share his journey as a way to process and also to help other older teens and young adults navigating the waters of this challenging life transition.

I've shared here some resources I have explored in the past and will revisit in the weeks ahead. I hope this information is beneficial. Please feel free to leave a comment regarding both on-line and print resources as well as any local groups you know of. (Please indicate your City)


Asperger's Syndrome Resources - Great list of websites and books

Wrong Planet.net - the only social networking site for individuals (and their parents) on the Autism spectrum.

Autism Society of America - News, headlines and resources for "all things Autism"

Autism Speaks - Information about Autism, activities for raising awareness (and money), advocating for individuals with Autism

Autistic and Healthy - Education, nutrition, studies, resources and consulting

Local Member in the News - A local (Richmond, VA) member of Autism Speaks shares his story

New Theories of Autism/Asperger Syndrome - New York Times article about some ground-breaking research and news.


Blessings on your journey,
Mary

Let's Go Krogering - Week #3

I was feeling under the weather this evening so my wonderful husband made a quick Kroger run by himself. He did very well, too! His overall savings = 46%!

We didn't need too much this week as we've been stocking up and there are only the two of us at home till our son graduates and moves back home at the end of the month. We made up a list of the Buy 10 items get $5 off at register promotional items and then matched up Kroger store coupons and other coupons.
Here's how it worked out:

All the following were on sale and part of the Buy 10/$5 off promotion:

Deer Park Drinking Water (1)
Skinny Cow Ice Cream (2)
Philly soft cream cheese (2) Coupon for $1.00/2
Kraft Cheese slices (1)(Coupon for $.55)
Oreo Cookies (4) Used 2 coupons for each for $1/2
Oscar Mayer Bacon (1)

Then he used a $1.00 off coupon on Hormel Beef Tips dinner.

Mfg Coupon Savings: $4.55
Bonus KFT NESTLE Savings: $5.00
Kroger Plus Savings: $18.43
Plus 5% senior discount: $1.97

Grocery Sub total: $63.92
Total savings: $29.95
Spent:$33.97

To date, we've accumulated $183.30 of qualifying purchases toward the "Spend $400 and earn 10% off total order" and currently have 147 Fuel Saver Points (100 pts. - 10 cents off/gallon of Kroger gas).

What was your Kroger experience this week?

If you would like to read more Kroger frugal shopping stories and learn how to maximize your "Kroger experience," hop on over to Marianne Thomas', blog, The New Frugal Mom.

Don't forget to stop by Richmond Frugal Family for tips on how to live frugally and thrive!

God Rejoices In Our Progress

This evening I'll be visiting my little buddies! To say I'm excited is an understatement!

I miss these children so much now that I only visit about once a month! The other night we stopped by their home to pick up something from mom and dad. Mom told us the kids very excitedly asked them if they were going out! That warmed my heart:-)

It's been a full, somewhat stressful week. I typically look forward to Friday nights these days as a chance to relax, unwind, and have quiet time alone. My husband currently works on Friday evenings. Tonight though, I will benefit from the energy and abandon that is contagious in the presence of children.

I imagine God delights in us in the same way! When we run to Him and throw our arms around Him, His heart is warmed, just as mine is every time I see my little buddies.

I think that just as I delight in seeing the progress the boys have made - they're in big boy beds now - and share in the newly acquired reading and conversation skills of big sister, God delights in our progress too.

Each baby step we take toward Him is a reason to rejoice! He loves us so much! I'm sure I'll have an update over the weekend:-)

Let's Go Krogering - Week #2

This week we didn't need too much, but decided to stock up on some items that were on special. Our subtotal was $181.39.

We bought 3 packs of Keebler cookies (on sale) and received a free gallon of Kroger milk ($2.39) value)
Then we received $6.03 as our senior discount and .$35 for our bag buy back.

Best deals I found this week were in the 10/$10 deals that I combined with coupons:
Michelena Frozen Entrees - 10/$10 - I used a $1.00/5 for a total of .$80 ea.
(I eat these for lunch at work)
Chef Boyardee Canned & Microwave Pasta 10/$10 - had 1 coupon for $1.00/5 and one for $.35/3 (my son loves these and he'll be graduating at the end of the month and moving home:-)
Weight Watcher String Cheese $2.51 - I had a coupon for $1/1

Our household (probably everybody's:-) has been selected for a special promotion: $spend $400 form 9/6-10/3 and earn one 10% off total order form 10/6-10/17. After our trip tonight, be have $123.33 of qualifying purchases toward our total. (This promotion is actually one of the reasons we stocked upon on some 10/$10 items this trip)

Bottom line: $118.52 Saved: $54.17 (a little over 31%) Not as good as last week, but still not too shabby.

If you would like to read more Kroger frugal shopping stories and learn how to maximize your "Kroger experience," hop on over to Marianne Thomas', blog, The New Frugal Mom.

Don't forget to stop by Richmond Frugal Family for tips on how to live frugally and thrive!

A Break From Tradition: Let's Go Krogering!

I've decided to start participating in the Tuesday meme: Let's Go Krogering! I really love Kroger and we do our grocery shopping almost exclusively at Kroger. Because my dear husband is now eligible for the {senior} discount on Tuesdays, we shop on Tuesdays - yes, it's our "old married couple" weeknight date night:-)

I keep my eyes open for good deals elsewhere, but between the great pharmacist at our neighborhood store, the 2 Prescriptions = 10 cents off per gallon gas; $100 spent = 10 cents off per gas; the great prices and in-store specials and the fact that they double coupons up to 50 cents . . . well . . .

Here's my first post. If you would like to read more Kroger frugal shopping stories and learn how to maximize your "Kroger experience," hop on over to Marianne Thomas', blog, The New Frugal Mom.

If you'd like to learn some of my great tips for Frugal Families, visit my Richmond Frugal Family column at examiner.com.


*********LET'S GO KROGERING STARTS HERE*********

Tonight our total was: $133.61
Less 5 cloth bags: $.25 bag buyback
We got 1 free gallon of milk for buying 3 participating Keebler/Kellog Items - $2.49 savings
Less: 5% senior discount $5.11
Less: Mfg Coupons $16.40
Less: Bonus Coupon Savings $.035
Less: Kroger Plus Savings: $33.87
PLUS: $10 rebate from Kellogs for purchasing 10 participating items in one transaction.

Here's the bottom line: $133.61 - 2.49(milk) - $.25 bag buy back - $5.11 senior discount - $50.62 (coupons/Kroger plus savings) - $10 rebate for a grand total of $72.99 spent after rebate

Saved: $60.62 or 45% - That's my best trip yet! I'm shooting for 50% or better every trip, so stay tuned!

A "Magic Touch"

My sister-in-law, N, called yesterday afternoon to say she and her two youngest children were popping down to Richmond for the afternoon (they live bout 45 minutes away). It was an unexpected surprise and I was so grateful that this was one of those rare weekends with nothing on our schedule except what we felt like doing.

I still remember the year I helped my sister-in-law fix her hair for prom when she was in high school. Later, my daughter, 3 years old at the time, was a flower girl in her wedding. Even then N had a 'magic touch' with children as my daughter was not 'going along with the program' when it came time to walk down the aisle and N whispered some "magic words" to get her on track. To this day I don't know what N said to her, nor probably does either one of them remember, but Jen pulled it off like a pro!

It's been no great surprise then, that N has large family. She is a natural with children and I admire the way she and her husband have reared their boys (oldest one a freshman in college, youngest one in 7th grade) . . . and their precious daughter - 3 years old:-) The boys are polite and respectful (to us and to others). I'm sure they're typical siblings/children within the confines of their home:-) I'm a mom--I get that!

The thing I admire the most is how they have honored and allowed to develop each of their boys' individuality. They are as different as can be - one from the other. It's kind of ironic to me that N had four boys, and yet God prepared her for a house full of testosterone, because she has two older brothers - one 8 years older and one 10 years older. She was uniquely equipped in her childhood to parent all those boys!

We sat on the deck for a while, then moved inside when it got too hot. We talked about the pictures I have displayed in our living room and shared the memories of the events captured in many of the shots. It was such a sweet opportunity to share our family history with her children and pass on the stories of our shared life.

This morning I'm wondering where all those years have gone. I'm rejoicing, too, that we have had such full lives! She and we are truly blessed to have each other and our children and our memories to share.

The lyrics to one of Cat Steven's songs implore, "Teach your children well . . ." The Bible offers the same advice.

"Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them" (Deuteronomy 4:9 NIV).

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates" (Deuteronomy 20:18-20 NIV)

Thoughts on a Daughter Leaving Home

I wrote this six years ago as our daughter was preparing to leave for George Mason University. I pray you will be blessed by my sharing.

Desperation, Deliverance and other words that start with “D”

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah” (Psalm 62:8 NIV)

Desperation. Our oldest child, our only daughter, my friend, my sister, my heart will be leaving for college soon. It occurred to me in the wee hours of this morning that our family will be forever diminished by her absence. We have watched her foray out for a day trip here and there – a few hours at the beach; a few days keeping a house-sitting friend company – but never before have we had to prepare for her long term and ultimately permanent absence. Oh, she’ll be home for an occasional weekend. She’ll come home for winter break. But she won’t really be coming home. She’ll be coming to the place that used to be her life. Our home will soon become the place she visits while she’s waiting for the rest of her life.

And I am desperate. Desperate to tell her everything she will need to know to live without us. Desperate to keep her from the pain and sadness that is inevitably intermingled with success and joy from living in the world. Desperate to somehow impart the absolute and boundless love, admiration, pride and respect we have for her not only as our daughter, but as a fellow human being on this earth. Our loss as a nuclear family is the world’s gain—a strong, beautiful, brilliant and good member of the world community has sprung forth! And I am desperately grieving her impending departure.

I know that this kind of desperation is sinful. It demonstrates my lack of trust that God will enfold her with his love and protection. It proves that while I know He will always be with her to help her deal with the disappointments as well as the victories, I lack the will to allow Him alone to play that role. It shows my lack of confidence in myself and the job I did as a parent, mother, friend to my precious daughter. It is a desperation born of fear.

How can I reconcile this face of desperation with my belief that God is a good and loving God? How do I proceed from this point on, confident that God will continue to be, not only in the margins but at the core of my daughter’s life – and mine! My prayers for her safety and care continue to be lifted on high. My grief is over losing a part of me and my life that has been not only the margins, but the core. She will thrive. She will fall down. She will love and live and grow into the extraordinary human being that only God can envision. My hesitancy is only because I love her so much.

Perhaps sin is too strong a word? But my lack of confidence is not in her. Or in God. Not really. It is in the world. My desperation reminds me how absolutely and completely we must all rely on God to get us through the transitions in our lives. He is at the heart of every milestone, joyous or sad. He is the heart of every day of our lives.

My desperation reveals a stumbling block in my faith life. But mostly, it reveals how desperately I seek the face of God. How I long to know the answers to the burning questions I pose to Him every day in my prayers. Desperate to know my child will grow into the woman He has planned for her to become. Desperate to believe that I have done the best I could to help her on that journey.

And while I am certain it is not enough—has never been enough—I trust that God was there to fill in the margins when I was not wise enough or strong enough to do what needed to be done.

Post Script: 6 years later, our daughter is now 24 years old and a graduate of George Mason University. She has been happily married for 2 years to a wonderful young man we instantly considered our son.While we wish she and husband lived here in town, we're thrilled they are a mere 1.5 hrs away and we see them often.

Shopping is Love

This is not the title I had planned for this post, but when I found this picture online, I realized that yes, sometimes shopping is love. If you have a daughter you can especially understand how this can be so. But wait, I'm not talking about spending money (well that is involved, but that's not my point!)

I have recently made some important lifestyle changes, not the least of which includes eating healthfully, exercising and losing weight. My daughter, now in her 20's, has been an inspiration to me in this arena (and many others). She is beautiful and smart and yes, has matured into a woman I am glad to call my friend. I have recently lost 30 lbs. and so have had to buy some new clothes -- I really am talking NEED, not just want. She and I went out shopping this afternoon and I thought over and over "I am so blessed to have my daughter."

I am blessed, first to be her mom. Since the day she was born, we have had a connection that goes beyond mother and daughter. We are kindred spirits in so many ways -- like me, she was born an "old soul" and so we have pretty much "gotten each other" from the day she was born. She was not a perfect child, but I have no real complaints. I wasn't a perfect mom either, and she hasn't expressed too many issues about which I marred her for life:-)

Now, rewind about 10 years and I might have had a few complaints. I have memories that until today, were more vivid than I had thought I would want them to be. Picture this: A 13 year old girl and her best friend + back-to-school shopping + fitting room with not enough stalls + hundreds of other moms and teenage girls packed into a department store Jr.'s department.

I have memories of standing outside the dressing room, serving as a human clothes rack while pants, shirts, skirts, t-shirts and jeans were tried on, rejected, returned to me to go back to the rack and begin the process all over again in search of smaller, larger or different color clothing items. I'm talking hours. I don't think I complained about it a lot. I was a pretty patient mom, who may not have savored moments like those, but accepted that it went with the territory.

As I reflected back on those times this afternoon, a flood of other memories rushed back as well. I'm at a point in my life where I just don't know how much more blessed I can possibly feel. Yet, each day God reveals another blessing. Today, my daughter and I changed roles. She was the human clothes rack, making countless trips back and forth in search of a different size, style, color for her mom! She also provided me a tutorial on "never wear this" and "don't even think about buying something like that", as we breezed past racks of clothes until we found some style and fit that was at least acceptable:-) for me to try on. She was equally as patient as I recall being. She was even magnanimous - something I may not have achieved back then.

Full circle is what I was going for when I sat down to type this post - maybe even along the lines of the Circle of Life from the Lion King. My daughter can shop! She can dress, too! My daughter's pretty amazing and today I felt especially blessed to be her friend.

Not to mention that I have the beginnings of a brand new wardrobe - all of which was purchased from sales racks -- and using a store-ad coupon! That's my girl!!

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth" (1 John 3:18 NIV).

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth" (3 John 1:4 NIV).

"[Children and Parents ] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" (Ephesians 6:1 NIV)