What Did I Miss?

"What did the boys play with while I was at school?" For many weeks, this was the first question out of sister's mouth upon being buckled into the car seat to ride home from pre-school.

She didn't say hello. She didn't want to know what was for lunch. She didn't want to know if we could play outside after nap. She wanted to know what she had missed! She wasn't worried only about what she had missed, but also if the boys had played with any of her things while she wasn't around to protect them! After several weeks of this, I shared with my mom how frustrated I was.

She told me "You big girls always ran into your rooms after school to see what the babies had played with while you were at school." (There were we three "big girls" born within 4 years of each other and then the "babies" a year apart four years after the youngest 'big girl') Mom recounted how we often came running with the complaint that the babies had played with our Barbies or how "they got out my (insert the prized possession of the moment)", etc. After that, I gave big sister a break!

Too often I worry about other people--what they have, what they say, what they do. I make judgments about them and their actions. I criticize (often to myself) how they live and how they conduct their lives. It's a human failing, I know! I just seem to have to catch myself way too often.

Instead of worrying about what I'm missing, I need to focus on what I should be doing! God has given me some pretty specific instructions: WRITE! Not only has He instructed me to write, He gave me a writer's DNA and a mission and a vision to go with it! He wants me to do what I'm supposed to do and not worry about anybody else's instructions, abilities, missions or attempts to obey God's call upon their lives.

We are all sinners, and as Paul so eloquently and unabashedly states in 1 Timothy, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." That also means I need to give others in my life "a break."

God wants us to look to the Cross before we judge others, and also before we beat ourselves up for falling short of who and what we want to do and be. He died for all of us -- my neighbor, my friend, my spouse, my children, my coworkers -- and even for me!

"But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life (1 Timothy 1:16 NIV).

"Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD" (Proverbs 23:17 NIV).

Blameless and Harmless

About three years ago I worked as a lead teacher in an area preschool. My class was for the "older threes." These were the 3-year olds who would be going to kindergarten several months after their 5th birthdays.

I was quite a puzzle to these children when I became their teacher. You see, it is apparent that I love children. I mean most 3-5 year olds are drawn to me--I think they sense my passion and genuine love for them! I'm also, though, very no-nonsense. In my world, adults are in charge. Period. Also, in my world, when an adult gives you an instruction or tells you to do something, if you're under the age of 21: you DO IT! Yes, I'm really old fashioned like that:-) Yet my class was a place of fun and learning, comfortable and inviting and full of hugs and positive vibes.

Eventually I ended up with many of the "problem" children. By the time I left that day care my class consisted of ages ranging from 2 1/2 to 4! The two assistant teachers and I potty trained a couple who continually wet their pants for other teachers (not for us!) I converted a couple of hard core drama kings and queens into reasonably pleasant children when they were in my room.

We three teachers really clicked and we were all definitely on the same page. I generally found that the "problem children" were not the problem. Rather, the problems were the parents! One day after I had left for day and the assistant teacher who worked in the afternoons stayed on the playground with several of the children from our class she overheard a conversation between two of "our" boys. Apparently one of these two and another boy had exchanged words. Feelings were hurt, harsh words exchanged. The boys separated and went their separate ways.

The boy who was conversing with the other classmate told his friend about the incident. The other boy told him, "that's why we only hang around with people like this." (He pulled up his shirt sleeve and pointed to his arm.) These two boys were white. The other boy was black. My co-teacher was mortified! I was livid when she told me!

My tirade involved disbelief and abject horror that a three year old child's mind could already be filled with such thoughts and ideas. The child never even had a chance to learn any other way than one of prejudice and hatred. It cut me to my core. The boy who made that remark is one to whom I had devoted a great deal of attention that year. He had been difficult and uncooperative at first. It took a while for him to warm up to me and to begin to participate appropriately in class activities. Now I understood all too well the source of his behavioral issues!

I really questioned what I was doing there. I wondered how I could possibly make a difference in the lives of these children against such formidable odds. Now I understand I was placed in their lives for a purpose - a divine purpose. I was to be their light; I was to be blameless and harmless in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation. Hmm. That's a lot to expect of one so flawed and broken, sin-filled and imperfect.


Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. (Matthew 5:16 KJV)

That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; 9Philippians 2:15 KJV)

But ye, brethren, be not weary in well doing. (2 Thessalonians 3:13 KJV)

The Company We Keep

The boys are now at the age where they are like little sponges. They don't miss a word, a look or a deed! They watch each other, too, to see how brother is doing something, to learn but also to file away the information.

When sister enters into the picture, even more information is processed and stored for later reference! One brother turns his sippy cup upside down, probably the other one does too. Sister dumps her dry Cheerios out of her bowl and eats them off the table, out go two more bowls of Cheerios onto two trays.

The boys watch to see what the other one will eat, too. It's kind of funny because the "littler" twin who used to be so picky now eats everything--I mean everyting--placed in front of him. The other, larger, stockier twin has become quite picky - mainly due to issues with texture:-)

Big sister has taught them a lot about how to be nice, how to share, how to sit at the table correctly. She's also taught them how to "raid the pantry" for snacks when no one is looking and how to claim a particular spot on the couch (middle cushion) as hers and only hers -- always. The boys consequently are quite territorial when they have a spot staked out, either on the floor, on the couch or on my lap! They also try to open every door, drawer, cabinet, container throughout the house!

The only other real influences in their lives right now are their family, me, and a few companions at 2-day-a-week daycare. So far, most of what they've been exposed to has been closely controlled and tightly guarded. But they're growing up. They're beginning to watch other people and file away information about their actions and their words. Soon, the world will firmly have a claim on them. I pray already for a hedge of protection around them and their sister.

Who we associate with has a direct relationship to how we act, how we think and how we live. If we surround ourselves with people who gossip, cheat, envy others, are judgmental, who lie, who mistreat others, etc., we begin to act and think and live as they do. If I don't guard my identity as a Christian, before I know it, I begin to act and live less and less like a Christian!

Sometimes we need to let go of people and relationships. Sometimes we have to take a stand about our faith. We need someone to whom we are accountable. I need Jesus. Every day. Every hour. I'm not strong enough or wise enough to stay in His presence without help. I need friends and family who know me and love me and help me stay on the path.

I will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live. (Job 27:6 NIV)

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. (Romans 7:21-23 NIV)

The Pharisee in Me

The boys turned 2 years old on Monday (Jan. 19)! Wow! It seems like just the other day they were tiny little bundles happily swinging in their baby swings and sleeping all the time (well . . . one of the boys--the other one still barely sleeps at all).

I was reminded today of a habit the boys have. It makes me chuckle every time it happens, but I dare not laugh because they are so serious. Whenever one of the boys is corrected by an adult (or big sister) the other one will then furrow his brow and in a very deep voice begin to chastise his brother. For instance, if I tell one of the boys, "don't throw your cup on the floor" the other one will turn to his brother, shake his finger and tell his brother, "NO! (followed by several unintelligible words)" very loudly.

The offense can be anything from throwing a sippy cup off the tray onto the floor, hitting sister, talking 'sassy' to someone, standing up on a chair . . . I think you get the picture. It doesn't matter what the offense is, the other brother seizes upon the opportunity to assert his (presumed) authority. The thing that makes me chuckle? Besides the fact that it's a riot to see the physical transformation when the boys assume the authoritative role, is the fact that each of the boys is equally as guilty of whatever offense is being highlighted!

Well . . . I'm guilty of that myself. Only it's not that cute when I do it. Yes, I accuse others of being selfish, short-sighted, insincere, etc. Remember when we were kids and someone called us a name? We would respond, "takes one to know one." Well, it's true when you're an adult too.

All too often I am guilty of the same fault/character flaw/shortcoming/sin I point out in others. Like the Pharisees in the New Testament, I build myself up by putting others down. When we see ourselves reflected in others in a less than attractive light, why are we so quick to cast aspersions on them, and let ourselves off the hook? Hmm . . . this is one for God and me to work on together.

The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men [are], extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. [Luke 18:11-12]

Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have erred. [Job 6:24]

For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly; but the haughty he knows from afar. [Psalm 138:6]

THE MORE WE KNOW THE BIGGER WE SIN

I was back with my little buddies this morning, bright and early after almost a full week off. I have enjoyed the respite and certainly feel I took good advantage of the time off but it was good to see them!

I found out that one of the twins has developed quite a few new skills in the past week. He has learned to climb out of his crib (his brother has been doing this for about 2 months). He is quite pleased with himself too. He also demonstrated that he not only looks taller, but actually is taller.

My initial observation of his slimming down and looking a little longer in his formerly rather stubby (and oh so dimpled and adorable) legs played out like this: potty seat has been moved to the family room as both boys have been expressing interest in going on the big potty like sister. Today the recently taller twin firmly grasped the potty seat by the handles, slid it across the family room floor into the foyer and up against the front door. Then he reached up and turned the deadbolt lock - to the unlocked position. Yikes!

There were plenty of other antics today - some of which took me a great deal of time to undo. Needless to say, no naps were had today because the twin with all these newly acquired skills is the one who sleeps! And he sleeps through anything. His brother actually tried to sleep today - a rare event worth mentioning in the twin annals.

Finally brother gave up - and so did I after about the fifth trip upstairs to tell the boys to get back into bed, go to sleep, stop playing, etc. Of course I knew they were secretly laughing at me and saying disparaging things about me in their secret twin language:-)

The last straw was when I heard a banging that got louder and louder. At first I thought it was the noise from the house construction going on next door. But then I realized it was coming from the boys' room. The blinds were being used to signal for help I guess - or at least to be rescued from the prison of the bedroom. By the time I wrested the blinds from twin who can now climb out of his bed, several slats hung precariously by a single cord. Brother number 2 had managed to open the bedroom door and go down the hall to sister's room and wake her up in the meantime.

Before long all three children were crying, yelling, running down the hall. OK... I won't say I didn't get aggravated at all, but gosh those children are adorable! Big sister is a real trooper, too. Those boys are into everything and she complains relatively little. Oh, she has her moments - even days, but overall she is a tough little customer. (Even though she does teach her brothers some "tricks of the trade.")

So I got to thinking about how much more trouble the boys will be getting into now that the newly-skilled twin has caught up to his brother. The more they learn, the more chaos they create. The more skills they master, the more trouble they get into. Time outs will increase. After each sentence is served, though the offending boy will come walking to me, head hung down, and wait for me hug him. (And of course I will!)

The application for my own life is that the more I study and grow in my faith, I more clearly see my capacity for sin. It's just that plain and simple. As I grasp more and more of what it means to be a Christian, I recognize more acutely how far I am from the mark. The more masterfully I can preach on theology, the more intensely I feel the sting of disappointing my Father on a regular basis.

I am so very humbled and filled with awe at how loving and gracious is our God. Then I think about how many times I tried not to laugh out loud at the mischief and chaos three little children created in my life today and how they are so darned cute and smart and precious. I'm pretty sure God thinks of me that way most of the time. He knows my heart and how ardently I desire nothing more than to live a life pleasing to Him.

It gives me comfort to think that God sees me through eyes of love, even when I create chaos and mischief.

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. [Colossians 2:2-3 NIV]

What Happens When One Becomes Two?

It's not what you might think! I have always been fascinated by twins and the boys I care for are especially fascinating little people. Just think about it - they were together at the moment of conception! They have been and will be a pair, a team, a unit, "the twins" their entire lives.

These boys also speak in what has been referred to as "twin talk." From a very early age, and especially since they became exceedingly vocal about a year ago, they communicate profusely with each other. It sounds like babble to us, but it is so clear they know what the other is saying--some primal connection that they alone share.

Being active boys and part of a sibling group that is very dramatic, intelligent, inquisitive, strong-willed, independent and bright, they fight - a lot - with each other and their sister. But let me tell you, if one of those boys is placed in time out, the other follows and sits quietly next to his brother - even if the offending brother is in time out for some infringement upon the rights of the other!

Where is all this leading? Well, today big sister had morning preschool and one of the boys was taken to the hospital to have an x-ray on a foot that seems to have been bothering him. Dad and other twin had to "sneak out" because the left-behind twin was determined he was getting his jacket and going along--after all the boys never go anywhere without the other one!

So for a couple of hours it was just one little now-alone twin and me. We had a wonderful, rare, one-on-one time reading books and watching favorite videos. He even got to practice turning on and off the porch light about 25 or 30 times - learning "on" and "off." On the way to pick up sister at noon though, he kept stressing about the fact that his brother's car seat (and so his brother) was not in the car. "Buckle?" He kept asking, referring to 'buckling in' the boys in their car seats.

I got to thinking about how disorienting and confusing it must have been for him to be suddenly alone. Yes, I was there, but brother was not. And brother is always with him. They share a room, they share a bond that no one else on earth will ever understand or break. They shared their mother's womb.

I thought he must feel the way I do sometimes in my relationship with God. Sometimes I feel as if I'm traveling through a time without God's presence. It's not that God has sneaked out the door, but rather that I have turned aside or turned away altogether. I become hard-headed (stiff-necked?) and prideful and push God out of the picture. God is there with me, but I don't acknowledge Him.

At some point though, I begin to feel the way my little lonely twin must have felt for a while today: as if I am utterly and completely on my own - as if part of me is missing. That's when I run back to God, like the prodigal I have been, begging for forgiveness.

The "twin talk" between God and me is through the Holy Spirit living and working in me - interceding on my behalf when I don't know what to pray. I think about how truly joyful the twins are when the other one is finally awake from a nap--or home from the hospital with Dad--and I get it. I really do. That's how I feel when I know God has already forgiven my sin.

What a relief. What a great joy. What true blessing to be a recipient of God's grace.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. [Romans 8:26-27 NIV]

Cheerios, Bananas -- and Sin?

OK. Bear with me here! It's been a busy morning but my mind keeps going back to this morning's breakfast for the twins. At 23 months, they are desperately trying to be like their 4 year old sister -- I mean they want to do absolutely everything she does!

Well . . . she eats Cheerios in a cereal bowl. Most mornings the boys will snack on dry cereal while their 'real breakfast' is being prepared but this morning, since sister was having Cheerios -- well, I think you can figure it out. They were not happy when I placed a handful of Cheerios on their trays. As soon as they started fussing I knew what was up so I got out two bowls and two spoons and placed one of each on their trays.

The boys immediately began scooping up Cheerios and putting them in their bowls. Then they achieved varying degrees of success in actually scooping the Cheerios up with the spoons and getting Cheerios into their mouths. After about half the Cheerios ended up on their laps, the boys were still pretty hungry so I gave them each 1/2 banana. Out go the Cheerios, into the bowl goes the bananas:-) One twin ultimately gave up and picked up the banana and ate it with his hands then went to work on Cheerios off the tray.

The other twin got more and more frustrated with himself. He finally picked up the bowl and dumped out the banana and replaced the Cheerios. OK by this time, he's pretty upset because he's really hungry and not much food has actually made it into his stomach, let alone into his mouth!

Finally, he picked up the bowl full of Cheerios and held it over his head, intending to make one final angry gesture before he really looses it! Guess what? The Cheerios didn't fall out of the bowl! He was quite surprised - as was I! Fortunately that allowed an opportunity to make a joke and act silly, and remove both mangled banana, Cheerios- adorned cereal bowl and slip some buttered toast on the tray all in one fell swoop.

I don't know why I had this thought in the midst of the breakfast drama, but I imagine God has opened my eyes to see things through a different lens since I decided to start this blog. Think about it. Isn't that how sin is. Once we sin, it sticks to us, hanging on for dear life until we confess it and ask God to swoop it away?!

Like Cheerios sticking to a banana-y cereal bowl, sin just hangs on and no matter how we try to dump it out or throw it off, until we face it, confess it, and ask God to make it right, we're just not going to have peace about it.

God exalted him to his own right hand as Prince and Savior that he might give repentance and forgiveness of sins to Israel.[Acts 15:31 NIV]