Thoughts on a Daughter Leaving Home

I wrote this six years ago as our daughter was preparing to leave for George Mason University. I pray you will be blessed by my sharing.

Desperation, Deliverance and other words that start with “D”

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah” (Psalm 62:8 NIV)

Desperation. Our oldest child, our only daughter, my friend, my sister, my heart will be leaving for college soon. It occurred to me in the wee hours of this morning that our family will be forever diminished by her absence. We have watched her foray out for a day trip here and there – a few hours at the beach; a few days keeping a house-sitting friend company – but never before have we had to prepare for her long term and ultimately permanent absence. Oh, she’ll be home for an occasional weekend. She’ll come home for winter break. But she won’t really be coming home. She’ll be coming to the place that used to be her life. Our home will soon become the place she visits while she’s waiting for the rest of her life.

And I am desperate. Desperate to tell her everything she will need to know to live without us. Desperate to keep her from the pain and sadness that is inevitably intermingled with success and joy from living in the world. Desperate to somehow impart the absolute and boundless love, admiration, pride and respect we have for her not only as our daughter, but as a fellow human being on this earth. Our loss as a nuclear family is the world’s gain—a strong, beautiful, brilliant and good member of the world community has sprung forth! And I am desperately grieving her impending departure.

I know that this kind of desperation is sinful. It demonstrates my lack of trust that God will enfold her with his love and protection. It proves that while I know He will always be with her to help her deal with the disappointments as well as the victories, I lack the will to allow Him alone to play that role. It shows my lack of confidence in myself and the job I did as a parent, mother, friend to my precious daughter. It is a desperation born of fear.

How can I reconcile this face of desperation with my belief that God is a good and loving God? How do I proceed from this point on, confident that God will continue to be, not only in the margins but at the core of my daughter’s life – and mine! My prayers for her safety and care continue to be lifted on high. My grief is over losing a part of me and my life that has been not only the margins, but the core. She will thrive. She will fall down. She will love and live and grow into the extraordinary human being that only God can envision. My hesitancy is only because I love her so much.

Perhaps sin is too strong a word? But my lack of confidence is not in her. Or in God. Not really. It is in the world. My desperation reminds me how absolutely and completely we must all rely on God to get us through the transitions in our lives. He is at the heart of every milestone, joyous or sad. He is the heart of every day of our lives.

My desperation reveals a stumbling block in my faith life. But mostly, it reveals how desperately I seek the face of God. How I long to know the answers to the burning questions I pose to Him every day in my prayers. Desperate to know my child will grow into the woman He has planned for her to become. Desperate to believe that I have done the best I could to help her on that journey.

And while I am certain it is not enough—has never been enough—I trust that God was there to fill in the margins when I was not wise enough or strong enough to do what needed to be done.

Post Script: 6 years later, our daughter is now 24 years old and a graduate of George Mason University. She has been happily married for 2 years to a wonderful young man we instantly considered our son.While we wish she and husband lived here in town, we're thrilled they are a mere 1.5 hrs away and we see them often.

TRUCK! BUS! CHURCH!

This past year big sister attended a two-morning-a-week nursery school at their church, about 1.5 miles from the house.

One one might be tempted to think that I would then "have a break" to be minus one child two mornings a week. Picture this: urge brothers to finish breakfast; urge sister to eat something--anything--for breakfast. Change diapers. Take one of the twins to the potty (the other one was having none of it!). Dress both boys, put socks and shoes on both boys. Get jackets on. Load all three children in the car. Are you tired yet?

Each Tuesday and Thursday morning the boys were so excited! They considered these days full of great adventure! They got to ride in Mary's car! They got to go somewhere! Sister and brothers alike made announcements along the route. "There's the school bus people," sister would point out, referring to the children waiting on the corner for the school bus.

"Truck!" one of the boys would shout! "Bus, Mary! Bus," the other would announce. By the time we made it through the neighborhood and on to the main road to head toward church, everyone in the car was quite animated! I can recall several times I even looked for something exciting to point out! Once on the main road, it was a contest to see who would spy the church first.

During the fall and winter, we could see the steeple through the trees. Most often, though, we passed several busses, trucks, and "van's like mommy's" by the time we turned onto the road where the church was. "CHURCH!!!" one of the boys bellowed every single time to we turned the corner to pull into the church lot.


The favorite part of the entire trip was the "double bump" right after pulling in to the parking lot (a speed bump). Every time we crossed the speed bump the boys giggled. Every time.

As I was riding to the other side of town today to attend a training, I drove past that same church. I traveled over the James River - very high due to all the recent rainfall. I passed neighborhoods I hadn't seen or noticed previously. I even noticed traffic patterns and places in the road where several inches of the extensive rain we've had lately had pooled.

I was alert and very aware of all the sights along my way. I realized that on a regular work day, I make my trip rather routinely. I don't generally focus on the simple things in my path. I don't make a point to enjoy some of the beauty of the trees, shrubs, gardens and other plants in yards and courtyards, parks and median strips.

So often we just "get through" our daily activities. We forget to stop and admire the beauty God has created all around us. We don't take the time to notice how amazing our world is. We fail to thank God for His world and everything in it. We don't notice the amazing clouds or the glorious sun on the horizon. We take for granted our blessings.

Jesus told us to become like a child to enter the kingdom of heaven. Today I was challenged to appreciate my little part of the world and everything in it. Today I remembered to thank God for the little things that make life worth living. Today I remembered three little children who continue to enrich my life!

"I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it" (Mark 10:15 NIV)

Children Live What They Learn

This folksy saying is really true and I guess that's why it is said so often. I am back in the "mental health services for children" field. My new job - 3 days a week - involves ensuring that all of the case worker reports include the information required by varous regulatoy bodies and in compliance with company policy.

Some of the services range from a 'mentoring' program, which I imagine is similar to a Big Brother/Big Sister type relationship with a bit more focus on building specific skills, to intensive in-home services and the whole range in between.

What is evident in almost 100% of the cases I read about each day at work is that many of the the behavioral/mental health issues of the children are a direct result of the parenting or lack thereof of the adults in their lives. Some of the mental illness might be considered hereditary, but most of it is "nurture" influence.

I grieve for the children in our program as many of them have suffered emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse, struggle with substance abuse and a general lack of coping skills to deal with their daily lives.

I don't know how to stop the cycle, except to do what agencies like the one I work for is trying to do: provide services to the child(ren) and also to the families that are often the source or a mitigating factor in the children ending up in our program in the first place.

What is apparent is that once parents learn how to parent, once they are educated about appropriate behavior and acceptable ways to interact with their children, life improves not only for the children, but for the entire family unit. There a some "success" stories. Those are the ones you live for. Those are the ones that make you want to go to work each day. There's always a chance for improvement.

Children are God's gift to the world. They are our future. We must nurture and love them so they can grow up to nurture and love - themselves and each other and everyone else in the world.

Remember the day you stood before the LORD your God at Horeb, when he said to me, "Assemble the people before me to hear my words so that they may learn to revere me as long as they live in the land and may teach them to their children." (Deuteronomy 4:10 NIV)

Keep his decrees and commands, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you and that you may live long in the land the LORD your God gives you for all time. (Deuteronomy 4:40 NIV)

These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. (Deuteronomy 6:6-8 NIV)

Their children, who do not know this law, must hear it and learn to fear the LORD your God as long as you live in the land you are crossing the Jordan to possess." (Deuteronomy 31:13 NIV)

Different is . . Well . . . Different

Big sister is 4 years old. She is exceptionally bright and some of the things she comes up with just make me shake my head and chuckle.

Some of the comments she makes on a regular basis:

"Looks like we're driving in The United States of America." - as we pass by a very large flag on a very high flag pole.

"There are the 'school people'." - as we pass by the students waiting at the bus stop for the school bus.

I especially like the way she tries to explain things to her brothers. Her tone of voice become very sing-songy and pleaseant and she is very serious - not even realizing that not only to do the boys not care in the least, they can't even understand what she's talking about!

All the children who live in the neighborhood are "my friends" and the students in her preschool class are "my children."

She views and experiences the world from a 4-year old perspective. Everything revolves around her (as it does for most 4 year olds, and honestly, most people!) To deal with life in the world, everything must be placed in a category and defined in very limited and specific terms.

Honestly, this is how many Christians experience their faith. Their beliefs are narrow and limited to their own personal experiences. For some, anyone who looks different, acts different, lives different is . . . well . . . different and so not like them. When you're 4 years old different isn't good. Different is challenging and troubling. So different isn't good.

When we limit our faith to what we ourselves can see and think and feel, we are really limiting God. When we don't seek the knowledge and wisdom of others who have more scriptural insight and knowledge, we limit the power of God's inspired word. When we judge others out of ignorance and fear, we limit the strength and depth and breadth of the love Christ died to show us. When we limit God, we miss out on His grace and we miss out on the opportunity to extend that grace to others.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. (1 Corinthians 13:11 NIV)

Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. (1 John 3:7 NIV)